Swimming Pool Mathematics

By Gaurav Parab

This article is dedicated to whoever invented the swimming goggles. Thanks for allowing people who cannot swim the chance to see the bottom of the swimming pool right before they sink.

When a team from National Geographic was coming up with their plans for the earth, they realized that even if one giant water park sounds cool , earth beings, specially people who cannot swim, need solid ground to sleep, plant their food, and install the printer 1.

So they made earth 25 % land, 75 % water, and 4 % Mathematics professors sniffing around for the next calculation error in blog posts.

In addition to our obvious lack of fins to swim and do twirls, and long dark noses to balance plastic balls - we are clearly not designed to fly either. A handicap, that was overcome first by the Wright brothers who heard the whispered rumor about their wives planning a shopping excursion for shaving cream.

“Wilbur, we need to figure out a way to get out of this place now.”

A picture of Orville Wright from his Facebook profile. (Added the you make me fly application )

After many attempts, best summarized as WOW I AM FLYING – pause- THUD , we eventually came around to the idea that un-aided flight is not a bright idea. But some of us still continued to believe in un-aided floatation. Which brings me to what this article is about.

Swimming Pool 2

We have about 25 % of land mass to work with. Subtract Africa and Shammi Kapoor - we are left with enough land to walk in a single file to the end of the line and back. Nevertheless, we continue building swimming pools.

Do we expect a community of giant blue whales to build stadiums in the ocean for, “Learning the freestyle walk?”

Giant Daddy Blue Whale: Come children. It is Sunday. Let’s go to the stadium and walk around. I will teach you the backstroke walk today.

Baby Blue Whale: Are we not supposed to swim daddy? Are we not supposed to go “Yikes, I can’t walk!” whenever we are pushed on to land?

Giant Daddy Blue Whale: Do not worry. There will be lifeguards. This is a good chance to spend whale money3 towards the walking club membership fees.

Now, all swimmers have to pre-shower before getting into the pool. Get wet before getting wet. Like warming up with a short walk, before going for a walk.

But it is not the pre-shower which I have issues with. The hardest part for me in the swimming pool experience is the part between the changing room and the actual pool.

The part best described by considering the following equation.


The changing room is fine. And so is the pre-shower and the swimming pool. What does not impress me is the walk from the changing room to the swimming pool. After the pre-shower, you wrap an oversized towel around yourself and try to walk towards the edge of the pool. Cleverly, designed to be located a hundred thousand miles away, so that the entire world population across continents can look at you and pass judgment on your one pack body.

Eskimo # 1: peeping out of his Igloo: Who goes over there with the fur wrapped around his legs? Stop, or I shoot, skin you and marinate you for next Christmas.

Eskimo # 2 : Don’t worry about him. Its just a fat swimmer going from the changing room to the swimming pool.

Finally, after what seems like an eternity, you reach the swimming pool.

To be continued at a later date. My boss is here.

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1 Technical Support Tip: When you see the following error on your screen “Printer cannot be found”, move the screen towards the direction of the printer to improve the chances of it finding it.

2. Mix 200 oversized men with 3 women in a large excavation. Add water to taste.

3 I am guessing if whales can build swimming pools, they would have money and club membership too. But I have been known to be wrong.

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Series of Moments

By Gaurav Parab

Minutes, hours, days and years gone by,
The Sun going up and down through the sky.
A life lived by the day or date,
Wish lived it more by each moment small or great.

The sound made by my feet on loose stones,
The sight of ice cream poured into crisp cones.
The light bursting through a bulb just switched on,
The reluctance with which darkness departs dawn.

The clarity in my old teacher’s feeble voice,
My despair in that moment of wrong choice.
Wish I could feel the free air rushing at my face,
When I was younger winning an expensive race.

The beautiful lover from the edge of time,
The joy in her for tunes searching for a rhyme.
The painful goodbyes that I said first,
The water I spit out to overcome thirst.

Small moments when I turned to life from cold,
Evenings that were but never will be told,
Life explodes into moments of chaotic debris,
Moments that define my years and me.

Write to me at gauravparab@yahoo.com

Shadows on the Wall

By Gaurav Parab

These roads are swamped with a hundred mobs,
Some searching for work, some protesting their jobs.
I walk underneath rusted statues on every lane.
Some pray for the sun, some for the missing rain.

Every one wants something big or small.
I just watch
The shadows on the wall.

They look busy.

Some hate results- some cannot stand definitions,
Some hate undertakers, some dialing physicians.
Some hate being in love, some love hating.
Some want to be caught, some want to be baiting.

Some hate to run; most hate to crawl.
I just watch,
The shadows on the wall.

They look busy.

One of them makes a shelter, another makes a bomb,
One goes to Afghanistan, another into Vietnam.
One sings a song, another curses under his breath.
One makes long lasting life, one makes painless death.

A tall ladder made by someone, a trapdoor to fall.
I just watch
The shadows on the wall

They look busy.

Write to me at gauravparab@yahoo.com

Euthanasia for my soul

By Gaurav Parab

Your appeal is wrong, the judge softly said.
It is legal to live, a crime to want to be dead.
Why do you want to kill yourself, I cannot understand.
This wish is illegal, an unreasonable demand.

You have everything - even a blind man can see
A well paid job, a loving family of three.
I have seen pictures of your house, it seems nice.
Don’t you want to think this thing over twice?

Your honor, you do not understand my appeal.
It is not my body which I want to kill
My body has lived a life exciting and whole,
This appeal is for euthanasia for my soul.

My soul suffers from an incurable disease,
Assist me in putting an end to it please.
It is numb and it does not feel love or shame,
It exists for no reason, so I have no reason to blame.

The weightlessness causes me an unexplainable pain,
Stopped living by my soul, I live only by my brain
I feel no joy, no hurt, no stillness, no breeze
Let me put an end to the missing beginnings please.

I walk around like a machine of flesh and blood
I am a floating body overturned in the flood.
Let me pull my soul out, for my body is already a hole.
Consider my appeal for euthanasia for my soul.

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Impossible Definitions

By Gaurav Parab

It is impossible to define beauty they told me,
Beautiful is the sun merging with the sea.
The sea opening up to breathe in the Sun.
Beauty is two becoming one.

It is impossible to define trust I heard,
Trust is between the wire and a bird
Trust is knowing someone will be there.
Trust is keeping secrets you should not share.

Love is impossible to define according to some,
The feeling that flirts between alive and numb
Love could be the look in a stranger’s eyes.
Love is the truth between the lies.

Life, don’t talk to me about life Marvin said.
A line of doors between birth and being dead.
Doors opening up to other doors and a new place,
Some doors thankfully slamming into your face.
Family and friends follow as you walk away,
Some take other doors as you desperately pray.
Life goes on and on like out of control wheels
A billion toes following a billion heels.

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Little Prayers

By Gaurav Parab

Met this man the other day,
In a small hut, just out of the way.
No, he was not saffron dressed,
Nor did he have a cross across his chest.

His name was known across the land,
As the man who could understand.
Who knew all the scriptures had to say,
Who knew just the right way to pray.

I asked him slowly for the stronger prayer,
One with passion and lot of flair.
The prayer which would bring world peace,
And help in my locked mind’s release.

He smiled back only as a god can,
I knew I had come to the right man.
He said there is no such prayer around,
Which can make the lost become found.

“Son, I am a man of little prayers
Taking one at a time as I go up the stairs
If you want I can tell you when to pray what
How to turn nothing into a lot”

Prayer 1

When I am on the highway for a ride
And I see an ambulance rush by on the other side
I take a small pause to close my eyes,
I pray that the ambulance reaches time as life flies

Prayer 2

When I see a stranger with a fake smile,
Who I know has been crying inside for a while.
Even if I don’t know her May or June.
I pray that the woman has a reason to smile soon.

Prayer 3

When I see a powerful man do wrong,
Take what does not belong.
I know that I am too small to fight.
I pray that he learns to do what is right.

Prayer 4

When I read about a brave soldier now dead,
Fighting for our right to our daily bread.
As war claims his young life next to his guns,
I pray for simple peace to his loved ones.

Prayer 5

As I cross a body whose life has past,
Due to a car which was going too fast,
As the police come with their blaring alarms.
I pray that god takes him with open arms.

Prayer 6

When I see a child on the street,
Begging for alms on his daily beat.
Birth has denied him a thousand lucks,
I pray that one day he feels like a million bucks.


“Son there are a thousand little prayers everyone can say
When they are going nowhere or are on their way
Like a billion drops make the ocean large and blue
A billion little prayers make miracles come true.”

“As you go on with your life with every day,
Don’t forget these little prayers to say.”

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Remember Me

By Gaurav Parab

For the rights I did, not the wrongs in my book.
For the roads I avoided, not the shortcuts I took.
Not for the scars marked across my skin,
Remember me for the man I could have been.

For the virtue unshown, not the sins I did
For what I had to show, not what I hid.
For the songs I wrote, not the words I said.
For the life that could have been when I turn dead.

For the shoulder I gave, not the backs I turned,
For the blows I took, not the ones I returned.
For my conscience, not for my mind unclean
Remember me for the man I could have been

The things I bought, not the ones I quickly sold
For what I did, not the stories that are told.
The thoughts inside, not the brilliant spin.
Remember me for the man I could have been.

Oh Well

By Gaurav Parab

It is tough being in the twenties. Especially, if you are average looking, averagely successful, averagely paid, and looking at a computer right now.

Now, that you have completely identified with this article at most levels, let me move on to what this piece is actually about.

This one is about beautiful good-looking women getting together with sculpted deep thinking handsome strong men with ponytails.

I have your undivided attention. Hypnotized, clueless and feeling rather stupid you will read the rest of this sentence which is actually not going anywhere. Just like the sentence you are reading now.

We can do this all day long and you would still continue reading.

No this one is not about men and women.

You are probably going, Oh well.

The one little expression that bridges the gap between that unmentionable word and a general feeling of helplessness. Like the expression “He is richer than me” accurately bridges the gap between me and my manager. What is of particular concern to me as a CAT certified Verbal Ability expert is that you, the average reader may not be aware of the history, and proper usage of the expression Oh Well.

History of Oh Well

The first recorded instance of this expression comes from the famous Swayamwar of Princess Ranilaxmilata (I wish my name was Susie) of the house of Mithoragarh in 700 B.C

The Swayamwar, if you were not paying attention in history class, was a Prime Time Reality Show where the people of Mithorgarh voted every week to send one contestant home to his waiting family.

Father: “You got voted out. Loser.”

Mother: “ Come here beta. Let me give you a hug and tell you that I voted for the other contestants.”

Neighbor: “I voted for you.”

Contestant: “Liar. I got zero votes”

Neighbor: “I swear I SMSed CONTESTANT #5 to 23272. Like you asked everyone to.”

Contestant: “Eh…”

Neighbor: “You said the wrong number at the end of your segment didn’t you?”

Contestant: “Eh…”

A week old baby who has been watching from his cradle: “Dork.”

Back to the history of Oh Well.

At the house of one Swayamwar television viewer, a young man called Chandrashekhar Projwal Kumar Atharva Ramnagar Hadapsar asked his father;

“Why do I have such a long name papa?”

“Because at the hospital where you were born, I got the name and address fields mixed up in the birth certificate. They were sort of pretty close to each other on the form.”

“Ok. What do I do with this CAT form? I cant squeeze my name in.”

“Don’t worry about it. You are probably not going to clear the quant cutoff’s anyways. Lets watch Swayamwar on television together.”

“But Dad, how is that we are watching television in 700 B.C ?”

“The author has got his history mixed up, that’s all. Little vodka with sprite. You don’t bother beta. You just play your role in this article.”

“Ok, dad. Who is that celebrity judge on Swayamwar? He seems to have that expression which states, Which show am I judging today?”

“Oh well*. Javed Akhtar”

* The first reported instance of the expression Oh Well.

Where you can say Oh Well

I strongly recommend using the expression Oh Well in situations similar to the following case studies.

Case 1 – Subordinate has a problem.

Subordinate calls up with a critical problem. You have no idea about the solution.

Subordinate: “Can you help me with this critical bug which is affecting the reports module of the EIS tool? I am not sure what is calling what, and whether the called thing is wanting to be called by unsolicited and unregistered callers. It probably is a lonely variable I think, and it does not want undue attention by what could potentially turn out to be globally nasty functions. It is probably raising a flag somewhere.”

You: “Oh well. Figure it out yourself.”


Case 2 – You have a problem

You call up your boss with a potentially critical problem.

You: “Boss. We have a problem”

Boss: “ You know I am not a problem solver.”

You: “Oh well. Let me assign this to the loser who joined last week”

Boss: “Good call. Lets go for coffee”

Case 3 – You have a problem again

You call your boss with a problem which your subordinate could not solve.

You: “Boss, I guess you will have to do some problem solving today. The subordinate could not do it”

Boss: “What AM I DOING IN THIS ARTICLE ? ”

You: “Oh well. I will stop now.”


Where you cannot say Oh Well


In the interrogation room of Central Jail, under investigation for the murder of your land lord - whose body you dumped in the well in the backyard.

“Where did you put the body ?”

“Oh well.”

“Gotcha”

Last Word

Now that you know what Oh Well means, the rich history behind the expression, and its proper usage - make sure you make this a part of everyday conversations.
In the end, I would like to close this piece by one last word.

Word.

Newspaper Statistic

By Gaurav Parab

Let me write a poem which I promise is short,
About a newspaper story we would not think about a lot.
They said it happened sometime yesterday,
While I pondered on what to watch, and what to play.
The paper said rifle shots rang out crisply in the air,
When I thought about what not and what to wear.
He was outnumbered, and his bunker was cold,
But he stopped them in their tracks I am told.
As I straightened my tie and went on my way,
Another nameless soldier died in his torn fatigues yesterday.
I promised you this poem will be very short,
About a newspaper statistic we would not think about a lot.

Cause and Effect

By Gaurav Parab

Cause and effect,
Achievement evokes respect,
Failure defines chances lost
Temptations and the resulting cost.
Raw words flirting with a tune,
Sunrise gives way to afternoon.

Desire giving birth to debt,
Cause and effect.

Wisdom etching lines on my face,
Roof towering over a solid base.
War and the growing dead
Hunger due to stolen bread
Falling down and the hurt,
The fight described by a bloodied shirt,
A woman’s glance and growing desire.
Short distances between ashes and fire.

Fly and dangerously eject.
Cause and effect.

Fall and then climb
Punishment sometimes follows crime,
Love and the inevitable goodbye,
June ticks over to July.
Window made for the view
Me made only for you

Cause sometimes causes effect
Cause is sometimes an effect of effect.